Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
