I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Use "feeling words"
Yay
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
