My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My butt remains clenched, sir.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
