she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
