I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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