I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
