I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
