Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
