remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize