i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize