i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
