forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize