My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
