Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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