The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
