so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
