For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
