In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When are your genitals available?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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