i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
