I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
