Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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