You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
