Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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