I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize