I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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