Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
