You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize