Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
