I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
