and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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