Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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