Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
