My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
