I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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