seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize