apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
