My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
