My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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