I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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