I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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