Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
