The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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