She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
where am i from again
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
