i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
