I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
