Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Four minutes until I can fart!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
smell my finger.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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