Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
