i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
