who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize