What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
