Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
