You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
