either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize