i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
