woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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