I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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