someone owes me an orgasm
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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