the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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